Archive for the ‘WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE’ Category

The Robot Apocalypse Is Closer Than I Ever Imagined

July 21, 2009

This is a post that is only tangentially related to movies in any way (and even that claim is a stretch). Basically I’ve stumbled upon what must be the most horrifying and unsettling piece of information I’ve ever learned, including finding out Santa Clause wasn’t real and there are people out there who try to blow up airplanes with their shoes.

His name is Jules. He will carry a conversation with you, remember who you are, and is bound to someday go on a rampage where he snaps the spines of every human being on the planet like wishbones. And he’s a robot:

I understand if you just needed to go change your pants and stock up on shot guns and EMP grenades. If Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that casual sex is okay and to beware both strange viruses that turn people into zombies and self-aware artificial intelligence. Yeah, yeah, there’s that one piece of fluff, the Pinocchio ripoff A.I., but we all really know it will go down more like Terminator. Plus for every one movie (I think there’s only one movie) with nice robots, there are about twelve hundred demonstrating how robots could potentially take over the earth and destroy humanity as we know it. I Robot, The Matrix, the aforementioned Terminator series, Short Circuit; all demonstrate to me why this kind of shit needs to be stopped (and don’t question me on that last one, you know “Number Five is alive” spells doom for everybody, they cut the last violent and horrific fifteen minutes of that movie out).

I don’t like Robots; never trusted them. Ever since I saw the giant mechanic gorilla at Chuck E. Cheeses I knew they had to be stopped (that bastard gave me nightmares for years). There’s something called the “Uncanny Valley,” which is basically a bullshit hypothesis somebody made up about prosthetic humanoids. It basically says a person will like some inanimate object the more it looks like a human, up to a certain point, when it becomes so very close yet disturbingly far away, and suddenly they are somewhat repulsed. This explains why those eerie wax museums unsettle us much more than a barbie doll, and why things like Jules instill fear and rage in us like nothing else can. Well, now that I’ve seen Jules and read this article about robots that could be fueled on organic matter (included plants, and get this, HUMAN CORPSES), it’s officially time to prepare for the war for humanity.

So I know what you’re thinking. They’re just typing in things for Jules to say, and then acting (quite poorly) their responses. I thought so too, but everything I’ve seen suggests differently; that he was built to communicate, think, remember, and mimic facial expressions. His responses, while certainly articulate, are just different enough from a human response to convince me they aren’t putting words in his mouth. Scratch that, not his, its mouth. The first step is acknowledging these monsters as things and not people.

And, get this. If you are mean to Jules, Jules fucking remembers, man. And when he sees you again he’s not very friendly to you. Sure, he’s not pulling your arms out your shoulder sockets yet. But they’ve given this robot the ability to hold a grudge and even seek out fucking revenge.

He seems, or at least proclaims, to have some sort of human emotion. Look at this film, where he says he’s afraid of his upcoming voyage to London:

Or this one, when he’s leaving and proclaims his love for his, erm its, family. Notice he asks if he can write them e-mails:

First off, keep that baby away, dammit. Secondly, let’s now watch as he ponders sexuality:

Great, just when you thought all you had to fear was him killing you, he’s starting to contemplate raping you as well. And in this next disturbing video, Jules ponders his own reality, and hopes some day to be ‘real’:

I might be wrong, but I think what’s going to make him snap is when he realizes his hope of becoming real is as empty as the back of his scalp. Yeah, yeah, he’s saying he wants to save the world, and make a difference (don’t we all), but I see right through your lies, Jules. When we realize the futility in existence we don’t start devouring each other and hijacking the world’s nuclear arms system, something I know you’re training to do.  And in perhaps the most terrifying video of all, somebody thought it would be funny to record a speech, have Jules watch it and repeat it as heard. Giving us this:

Ha…Haha…. I’m going to buy a gun.