Archive for the ‘Shia LaBeouf’ Category

Hannah Montana Hits Theaters, Satan Says "The Time Is Nigh For My Invasion"

April 9, 2009

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are saddling up, the moon is turning red, and the Hannah Montana movie is actually being released in theaters across America. Indeed, everything John wrote in Revelations is coming true. This means parents of tweens and boyfriends of those girls that still watch Disney channel and listen to the Jonas brothers (and, oddly, tend to be the sluttiest…strange) will be subjected to the most mind numbingly terrible movie to hit theaters since The Lizzie Mcguire Movie.

I’ve made my love for Disney clear, but I should add there is a limit. And it turns out, that limit is the trend of the Disney Tween.  I can’t see how these kids reach such a high level of stardom. High School Musical is the only musical thousands of people have seen. As a lover of good musicals, I hate it that that has to be at the forefront of the art. Have any of these kids lives ended up well? Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have spiraled into a level of whoredom and ‘dumb bitch syndrome’ I didn’t think achievable and Hilary Duff has faded out of the limelight (she should consider herself lucky). The rare exception is Shia Labeouf, but even he sounds like he’s on the verge of an alcoholic breakdown.
Which begs the question: Is Miley Cyrus next? There’s already been leaked photos on the internet of her showing more skin than someone her age should, and she became a common joke when she posed in a magazine hugging her dad’s waist in a slightly too sexual way. She’s rapidly approaching that eighteenth birthday, where I predict there will be a ‘great unraveling’ (both metaphorically, and physically, as her clothes will most certainly be scarce).
Though, I’m not sure we’ll make it there, as it’s clear the Doomsday clock is at ten minutes to midnight awaiting the release of Hannah Montana‘s release. I, for one, will be holed up in my room with food and water, and a gun. Zombies will walk the earth, Apollyon will reign supreme, and the anti-christ will take control (could it be… Zac Efron?!) Very soon we will all be administered the mark of “HM” on our foreheads, and will be forced to live in darkness.
Pray for your souls. Hanna Montana cometh this Easter weekend, as if hell were laughing at the holiday.
P.S. Grady, please don’t kill me.

The Top Ten Box Office Stars (Allegedly)

January 6, 2009

Each year, the Quigley Publishing Company conducts a poll to answer the question: Who are the top ten box office draws? Via Quigley’s website:

“The Quigley Poll, conducted each year since 1932, is an annual survey of motion picture theatre owners and film buyers, which asks them to vote for the ten stars that they believe generated the most box-office revenue for their theatres during the year. Long regarded as one of the most reliable indicators of a Star’s real box-office draw because the selections are done by people whose livelihood depends on choosing the films that will bring audiences to their theatres.”

Normally, I’m not a huge fan of these generic “End of the Year Top Ten” lists, but the above explanation shows that this is not just a list founded on emotion and trendiness- it’s founded on economic viability, as concluded by the collective group of theater owners. Plus, the poll does hold a certain degree of authority, since it’s been published in the International Motion Picture Almanac for the past 77 years. So without further ado, here’s the list of stars, along with the 2008 films in which they starred:

1. Will Smith (Hancock, Seven Pounds)
2. Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man, Tropic Thunder)
3. Christian Bale (The Dark Knight)
4. Shia LaBeouf (Indiana Jones; New York, I Love You; Eagle Eye)
5. Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones)
6. Adam Sandler (Don’t Mess With The Zohan, Bedtime Stories)
7. Reese Witherspoon (Four Christmases)
8. George Clooney (Leatherheads, Burn After Reading)
9. Angelina Jolie (Kung Fu Panda – voice, Changeling, Wanted)
10. Daniel Craig (Quantum Of Solace, Defiance)

I think that the list is pretty accurate overall, though I would question how much drawing power Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig actually have. I’m more inclined to give the edge in drawing power to Indiana Jones and James Bond over the actors who play them. Yes, they each had a blockbuster that came out this year that made a ton of money, but their stars definitely didn’t make big hits out of 2006’s Firewall ($48 million), or 2007’s The Golden Compass ($70 million vs. its $205 million budget) and The Invasion ($15 million). Sometimes you can be in many successful films, but not be a huge draw in your own right- just ask Elizabeth Banks. In fact, if you look only at raw box office numbers, you know who the biggest star of this entire decade is? Stan Lee.

What about you? Who is your personal box office draw? Mine is definitely Ryan Gosling- I’ve been a total convert ever since I saw him in Lars And The Real Girl.