Archive for the ‘Robogeisha’ Category

This Trailer Will Crush Your Balls With Awesomeness

July 2, 2009

Holy hell.

I am truly speechless. A while ago, I decided I would start watching movies as an art. I would seriously critique them and try to see what they were trying to do, and where they succeeded. This lead me to leave the more popular, fun movies in the dust, because they were always just garbage polluted to the masses. Real movies, like The Godfather, Gone with the Wind, Casablanca; these would be the only movies that would satisfy my refined palate. Every now then, a new movie comes that clearly matches those in greatness. Slumdog Millionaire, Lord of the Rings, and The Fast and the Furious, for example. But this trailer, that I saw today, will perhaps best them all.

Warning: If the place you work sucks ass, this is NOT SAFE FOR WORK. If the place you work isn’t a pussy, SHOW THIS TO YOUR ENTIRE OFFICE.

Yes, I was being sarcastically pretentious. But how incredibly sweet does that movie look? Are you kidding me? Hip Katanas? I’m so there. Did you notice the bleeding sky-scrapers? Wow. That is awesome. I haven’t been so impressed with a trailer since I saw this one for Lesbian Vampire Killers.

Damn, this movie looks stomp-your-balls fantastic. I was completely sold at “Geisha Transform,” to be honest, but it only got better from there. I’ll grant you, the chick getting stabbed in the anus was a little disturbing, but it was sandwiched between clips of girls shooting bullets and acid milk out of their titties, so I promptly forgot about as my brain exploded from awesome-overload. I’m sorry, did she kill a guy by impaling his eyeballs with friend shrimp? Hell yeah, she did. Excuse me, God called, He wants perfection back.

Oh yeah, how awesome was that creepy narrator? It was like Darth Vader meets Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid. And I’m not positive, but I’m fairly certain that song in the background was a rendition of Live and Let Die.

Clearly, this is an examination into the human condition, and how we have become dependent on ever evolving technology that is bound to turn on us. I’m sure it will be full of philosophy, intelligence, nudity, and graphic violence. From here on out, this will be considered the pinnacle, the absolute zenith of movie-making. Sorry Godfather, you just got Geisha-chainsawed into second place.

Where does someone get money to do this? That couldn’t have been cheap. There’s speculation it’s fake, but that was an expensive fake trailer. And also, it’s Japan. They do so many things more right than us, of course it’s real. They are our only hope of having movies that involve robot geishas, handicap guns, and Katanas that shoot out of armpits.

My life will not be complete until I see Robogeisha. Chances of this getting a wide U.S. release are about the same as this film winning Best Picture for a Foreign Film at the next Academy Awards. Which means it’s fucking guaranteed. Can’t wait.