Archive for the ‘BloodRayne’ Category

The Top 5 Most Awesomely Bad Films Starring The Cast Of "Fast And Furious"

March 31, 2009

List Wednesday (on Tuesday) is here! I’ve never backed off from saying that I’m pretty excited for this weekend’s “Fast And Furious,” the eight-years-later sequel to 2001’s The Fast And The Furious that finally reunites the original cast. The main three players in the film, Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, and Michelle Rodriguez, were probably thrilled when their agents called them and offered these roles, because their careers haven’t exactly been on fire lately. In fact, they’ve made some downright bad movies in the last few years. Read my list of the casts’ Top 5 Most Awesomely Bad Films, and then let me know what additions or subtractions you might make in the comments:

5. Running Scared
I actually kind of like this Paul Walker movie, even if it is so frenetic it made my head hurt. The energy is turned up to an all time max, and it’s confusing to know what’s going on, and the film certainly isn’t good, but whatever, the implausible plot and action are rather entertaining.

4. The Pacifier
The gimmick of this comedy was supposed to be that Vin Diesel was this huge action star that had been made into a nanny. Think Kindergarten Cop. It would have worked better had Diesel had more action films than just XXX and The Fast And The Furious on his resume. It also would have worked better had it been funny. I still remember the Peter Panda Dance, though…

3. Chronicles of Riddick
I think I saw part of this on USA one night, probably in between airings of Legally Blonde and The Replacements. Riddick was so dark, bizarre, and confusing, that it really wasn’t any fun to watch, and the dialogue was laughably cheesy. This sci-fi does get style points, though.

2. Into The Blue
Paul Walker and Jessica Alba as treasure hunters wearing kiddie snorkel gear. This wouldn’t have made it to $20 million at the box office without Jessica Alba in a bikini. Thank goodness for the horndogs of the world!

1. BloodRayne
Michelle Rodriguez, what went wrong in 2005? You get a DUI, you get killed off of Lost the same season you’re introduced because everyone hates your character, and then you star in this dreck by Uwe Boll! Why do people let this man make movies?

The Strange, Notorious Career of Uwe Boll (UPDATED)

January 9, 2008

     Famous for all the wrong reasons, German director Uwe Boll is one of the most recognized, least respected people in the film industry.  Boll specializes in making terrible video game movies that bomb at the box office, and the mere mention of his name is enough to make many people’s blood boil.  Mind you, I’ve only had to sit through one of his films, but I can assure you, it was the absolute worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life.  I wanted to leave the theater.  I wanted to tear the screen.  I wanted to strangle every crew member involved in its production.  There was literally not one redeeming quality about the film.  And no, I’m not engaging in hyperbole.
     What astounds me most about Uwe Boll’s career is the fact that studio heads keep throwing money at the man, allowing him to make these lame video game adaptations!  Why would they do this?!  Every movie Boll has directed has been unanimously trashed by critics (check out the boxing match Boll staged in order to confront his biggest critic!), and has performed wretchedly at the box office.  Take a look at the disturbing trend between his films’ budgets and their box office receipts:

House of the Dead (2003)
Production Budget: $12 million
Final Gross: $10.2 million
Reviews: 10% fresh

With a net $2 million loss, this is Uwe Boll’s most successful film to date….
Alone In The Dark (2005)
Production Budget: $20 million
Final Gross: $5.2 million
Reviews: 1% fresh

This is the one I had to watch.  It’s truly indescribable how bad it really is.  I mean, Tara Reid plays a paleontologist!  That should say enough.

BloodRayne (2006)
Production Budget: $25 million
Final Gross: $2.4 million
Reviews: 4% fresh

There are two direct-to-DVD sequels in the works…. I’m not kidding.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2008)
Production Budget: $60 million(!)
Final Gross: ???
Reviews: none yet…
This will not make back its $60 million budget.  Never.
     There you have it.  If you’re confused, so am I.  Why Uwe Boll, who is widely considered the worst living film maker, keeps getting directing gigs with bigger budgets is completely beyond me.  Every one of his ventures has made less money that its predecessor, and if a studio is foolish enough to let him make one of their movies, then that studio deserves to to lose a hefty sum. 
UPDATE: Thanks to an influx of economics-wise readers from Marginal Revolution, it has come to my attention that Uwe Boll funds his films through private German investors, and he uses a tax shelter to help finance his projects.  Says Boll, “Maybe you know it, but it’s not so easy to finance movies in total.  And the reason I am able to do these kinds of movies is I have a tax shelter fund in Germany, and if you invest a movie in Germany you get basically fifty percent back from the government.”  Thanks for the correction, guys- I guess I got carried away bashing him… This doesn’t change the fact that Boll’s movies are getting more expensive to make, but less profitable.  Also, American studios still must pay distribution and advertising fees, which are hefty costs for such box office bombs.  Furthermore, don’t German investors have something better to do with their money?!