Archive for the ‘Billy Mays’ Category

Death Week ’09

June 28, 2009

This was, truly, a sad week for famous people. On Tuesday, television great Ed McMahon passed away at the age of 86 years old. He was perhaps known best for his work as the announcer for The Tonight Show starring the late, great Johnny Carson. He also hosted Star Search for twelve years, and was a beloved comedian and television personality. He was also decorated Marine pilot, with 6 Air Medals to his name.

Two days later, former Charlie’s Angel and renowned pin up girl Farrah Fawcett passed away in a battle with cancer at the age of 62. It’s funny, but this chick was obviously so hot that her name spilled over into my generation, even though she was 41 when I was born. When you’re a sex symbol who is remembered by young men and you’re over sixty, meaning you didn’t die young like Marilyn Monroe, you obviously did something right.

Unfortunately for Ms. Fawcett, she could not have passed away on a worse day. Her death was drastically overshadowed. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Michael Jackson died later on that same Thursday. Apparently the entire world is shook up over this death, and perhaps rightly so. His close friend Liza Manelli has said that once the autopsy report goes public, “All hell will break loose.” Ominous words, for sure.

Since then I have heard nothing on the radio but Michael Jackson, and the TV has been playing his old videos nonstop. Two things are abundantly clear:

1. That guy had immense talent. He created that dance style out of nothing, and was a fantastic song writer. I have never really listened to his music. I knew the timeless songs, “Thriller” and the like, but that dude had some great stuff that, while popular at the time, has been stood up by the aforementioned “Thriller” and his other mega-huge hits.

2. That guy was a freak. There’s no getting around it. He mutilated his face so that it no longer looked human, he wore the most bizarre clothing around, and there’s always the infamous ‘Neverland Ranch’ to keep that cloud of doubt hanging over his legacy. It’s really quite sad. His parents messed up his life from the get-go, if you do a little research you’ll learn some of the most horrific things about his childhood. I’m sure Michael Jackson died a very lonely, very depressed man, despite the hordes of fans who are now mourning him.

But watching those music videos and hearing his songs, I realize that that Michael Jackson died long ago. Before his skin turned white, and his nose turned to a razorblade, that dude was the most bad-ass effeminate man to walk the planet. In fact, I daresay he’s the only bad-ass effeminate man to have ever lived.

When asked about his plastic surgery, he famously said, “that’s just ignorance.” He then said they were natural changes to his body, implying even that ‘puberty’ was to blame. His skin-changing color is perhaps a more controversial issue. Rumors still persist that he bleached his skin to appear more white, while he was always said it is due the diseases vitiligo and lupus.

Right now, his wikipedia page informs me that he was the first Jewish man to set foot on the sun, and that “HE LIKED PEACHES” as the first entrants. I wouldn’t cite those as fact just yet, though.

As if this barrage of bad news wasn’t enough, today I find out the most tragic news yet, that Billy Mays, that guy you know from every late night infomercial you’ve ever watched, has died. He almost convinced me many times to purchase Oxiclean or another one of those super-handy cleaning products.

Seriously, that guy was incredibly entertaining. I’m actually very upset I’ll never actually consider buying useless shit again, because there is no way they can find a suitable replacement. “Would you like to buy a broom that doubles as a toaster?” “Well yes I would, Billy Mays, thank you.” I’m sure right now he’s selling stain remover to the angels, who don’t even need it, since their clothes are always spotless.

So RIP, celebrity friends who I’ve never actually met, but are all over the media now. And now, I’m not even going to take a side on whether Michael was guilty of what he was accused of or not. But I know for damn sure the media wasn’t on his side. Now they’re revering him like he was a God.

Media, thy name is Janus.